Here we are one day before Christmas and like the typical guy I am still shopping for last minute presents. I don’t mean to do this to myself every year. Why do I put myself through this torture? I know months in advance what I need to get and for whom I am shopping for, yet I put it off until Christmas week. I refuse to do the whole Black Friday and Cyber Monday madness. I guess I am a glutton for holiday punishment. What I will do though is take advantage of the crazy hours the stores stay open this week. With many of the major retailers staying open 24 hours a day I don’t mind at all going shopping after midnight. This way I avoid most of the obnoxious shopper crowd. I did just that the other night at Macy’s here in NYC. The store was kind of empty which was a pleasant surprise, but at 2AM it’s kind of a freak show in this part of town. Idiot parents, crazy weather, smelly cab drivers, etc
Time for a Christmas rant, along with the presents I would want Santa to give them!
1. What is wrong with parents that they feel the need to drag their overtired, cranky, screaming kids shopping at this time of night? Coal in all these parent’s stockings, and a week of their kids driving them nuts because they can’t sleep!
2. Why the heck is it almost 70 degrees outside in December? In NYC! I’m sweating my ass off dragging these bags back home! Al Gore and his global warming get a zip lock bag of ass sweat this year!
3. Where the heck is the subway train? Another 23 minutes until the next local train? The MTA gets an ugly tie from the dollar store for making me wait that long.
4. Hey Macy’s since you advertised like crazy that you are open all night how about having some registers open? I had to hunt around to find anyone to help me on the floor I was on. Macy’s get a stale Christmas fruit cake from me.
5. Since I ended up taking a cab home anyway why did I have to pick the one that smells of two week old body odor? This dude gets a bottle of Febreze and a gas station pine scent tree freshener to hang off his ass.
6. You see my carrying all these bags could you hold the elevator for a few seconds? Of course this douchnozzle sees me coming into the building and quickly shuts the door. To this asswipe I bestow upon thee a big pile of dog crap that you step into with your new shoes. Or even better yet, open toe sandals.
7. Out of all the people still walking around NYC at 2AM and the lone drunk guy has to start talking to me. Why? Do I look like a nice guy? Does it look like I want to talk to you? No! I’m freaking shopping for last minute gifts in the middle of the night and I’m grumpy! This drunky gets a night in a jail cell cozying up with a monster who refers to him as his new sweetie. Enjoy!
I also just wanted to thank everyone for reading and commenting on my blog this past year. Your comments and support are much appreciated! Here’s wishing everyone Merry Christmas, and a happy and healthy holiday season along with a prosperous New Year!