A Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays rant!


Here we are one day before Christmas and like the typical guy I am still shopping for last minute presents. I don’t mean to do this to myself every year. Why do I put myself through this torture? I know months in advance what I need to get and for whom I am shopping for, yet I put it off until Christmas week. I refuse to do the whole Black Friday and Cyber Monday madness. I guess I am a glutton for holiday punishment. What I will do though is take advantage of the crazy hours the stores stay open this week. With many of the major retailers staying open 24 hours a day I don’t mind at all going shopping after midnight. This way I avoid most of the obnoxious shopper crowd. I did just that the other night at Macy’s here in NYC. The store was kind of empty which was a pleasant surprise, but at 2AM it’s kind of a freak show in this part of town. Idiot parents, crazy weather, smelly cab drivers, etc

Time for a Christmas rant, along with the presents I would want Santa to give them!


1. What is wrong with parents that they feel the need to drag their overtired, cranky, screaming kids shopping at this time of night? Coal in all these parent’s stockings, and a week of their kids driving them nuts because they can’t sleep!

2. Why the heck is it almost 70 degrees outside in December? In NYC! I’m sweating my ass off dragging these bags back home! Al Gore and his global warming get a zip lock bag of ass sweat this year!

3. Where the heck is the subway train? Another 23 minutes until the next local train? The MTA gets an ugly tie from the dollar store for making me wait that long.

4.  Hey Macy’s since you advertised like crazy that you are open all night how about having some registers open? I had to hunt around to find anyone to help me on the floor I was on. Macy’s get a stale Christmas fruit cake from me.


5. Since I ended up taking a cab home anyway why did I have to pick the one that smells of two week old body odor? This dude gets a bottle of Febreze and a gas station pine scent tree freshener to hang off his ass.

6. You see my carrying all these bags could you hold the elevator for a few seconds? Of course this douchnozzle sees me coming into the building and quickly shuts the door. To this asswipe I bestow upon thee a big pile of dog crap that you step into with your new shoes. Or even better yet, open toe sandals.

7. Out of all the people still walking around NYC at 2AM and the lone drunk guy has to start talking to me. Why? Do I look like a nice guy? Does it look like I want to talk to you? No! I’m freaking shopping for last minute gifts in the middle of the night and I’m grumpy! This drunky gets a night in a jail cell cozying up with a monster who refers to him as his new sweetie. Enjoy!



I also just wanted to thank everyone for reading and commenting on my blog this past year. Your comments and support are much appreciated! Here’s wishing everyone Merry Christmas, and a happy and healthy holiday season along with a prosperous New Year!

36 thoughts on “A Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays rant!”

  1. Hahaha ho ho hell no! I give you points for being in public today! I had to run for eggs and it was a nightmare! Of course nothing will ever beat the time I thought would run into WalMart really quickly the day before New Years Eve 1999! THAT was an epic nightmare.People scrambling for bottled water, batteries and candles and all fir nothing!

  2. I sent my unsuspecting husband to the grocery store today. Poor guy, they only had self-check out open and he just stood there looking around like a deer caught in the headlights. OK, I know, I can expect coal in my stocking. But it was worth the laugh when he finally made it home to tell the story!

    Merry Christmas, Phil. Love reading your blog and looking forward to what you’ll have to share in the new year.
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  3. Ha, ha ha ha. The things people go through to celebrate one day. Your rant is so funny Phil and I just love the gifts that you’d give to them. But I must admit, number 6 is a little too harsh ie: open toe sandals, yuuuuk…
    And number 7 always happens to me. If there are any crazy nuts on the streets of London, they always seem to divert their attentions to ME. It’s as if I’m a magnet. They want to strike up weird conversations, sit next to me which is usually followed by them wanting to harm me. Why Phil, WHY?

    Anyway, I hope you and your family are having a great time, enjoying the festive season. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for a long time and look forward to 2014 with you.
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  4. Thank you and Merry Mozeltov!

    I happened to mention Algore and the Great Global Warming Hoax in my new post before I read this. Coincidence? Maybe.

    Google + has declared me an outlaw and suspended me for two weeks without a trial so, please share World Domination with anyone who likes to read funny stuff and look at pictures of cats.

    Thanks a ton for always supporting me.

    PS: Did you get the tinfoil hat I sent?
    Agent 54 recently posted…World DominationMy Profile

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