A Manly Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Romance in NYC.

large

Ok, here we go with another Valentine’s Day (massacre) again. I have yet to buy a card or set up flowers to be delivered. Yes, I am one of those dudes that wait all until the last possible minute to actually hit a store and get something for my gal. I mean, what’s the big deal with women when it comes to this overhyped commercialized Hallmark holiday? Bleech. I’m already seeing all kinds of posts on Facebook referring to wonderful plans all these couples have set up for the big day of forced romance. Gag me. Then come Feb 14th all the women will be posting pics of flowers and gifts that their guys sent them. Oh c’mon already. Isn’t a bucket of KFC extra crispy and furry handcuffs enough to make a gal swoon? It’s the gift that keeps on giving! Nothing says romance like greasy fried chicken and sex toys. Are you all feeling me out there? Don’t even get me started on the flowers part. It’s the one time of year that a bouquet of roses cost as much as diamonds. He went to Jared? Nope! He went to Subway with the other Jared and used some of that cash on a $5 foot long. He then hit the local bodega and scored a dozen roses for $10 on the way home. Yessir! I go all out for my main squeeze. Nothing but the best. It’s how I roll! 

tumblr_lg0avumsRR1qcc0l1o1_500

I know there are also many people who really want nothing to do with this holiday. They can’t relate to all the syrupy nonsense of being all lovey dovey when it comes to V-Day. You’ll usually see these people at a bar drinking, partying, and acting all cheerful about dodging Cupid’s arrow on this evening while many semi-loathing couples are dealing with an overpriced night out at dinner eating off a crappy pre-fix menu. Me? I’m taking my gal out to one of the most notable culinary delights across the land for the big day. The Golden Arches. The McD’s. Mickie D’s. Ronald’s Joint. Nothing sets the mood like a candle lit dinner at McDonald’s. Heck, I’ll even splurge for super-sizing our meals. I spare no expense. It’s the kind of guy I am. Be jealous ladies, as I’m taken!

mcdonalds-candlelight-dinner-1

Now, since I am thinking about that fat little winged bastid shooting arrows at us maybe I will head out and pick up a card today. With all the Duane Reade’s and CVS stores throughout Manhattan we have our pick of crappy generic V-Day cards. All you have to do is find the gaggle of clueless guys meandering around the card section like zombies on The Walking Dead to know you are in the right spot. It’s almost like some of them are scared of picking a card and looking into it, as if it has anthrax or something on it. As for me I just do the grab and go. Don’t even look. Just do a drive by, reach over, and take the first card you see and hit the check out counter. So what if the card says “To a Dear Aunt”. A little white-out will fix that and pencil in “To The One I Love”. Perfecto! The Russian Roulette version of picking a card as I call it. Works every time and only takes a few minutes out of your day. I will admit that sympathy card in German did not go over well that one year for V-Day, but it’s the thought that counts, right? Hey, us guys are busy and we have important stuff to do. You know. Things and stuff.

how-you-know-its-valentines-day

If  a guy is lucky enough he has a chick with the same warped sense of humor and sex drive as himself. That’s why a trip to the dreaded mall is usually in order where you can find stores that carry some weird sexual enhancement products. I mean, what gal would pass up the chance to have Darth Vader inside her with that big helmet of his? Talk about Feeling The Force! This is what I call a quality sexual stimulant. Plus, it also acts as a Pez dispenser and great conversation piece to leave laying around the house or kitchen table for when guests come over.

The-Darth-Invader-WTF_o_86645

We all know that our ladies love the sweets on V-Day from their sweethearts. Sure, anyone can buy a box of chocolates from the local store in a heart shaped box that tastes like chalk, or a stuffed animal with Cupid wings on it that will lay around and collect dust. Not me. I go for the man candy of choice. Raunchy Conversation Hearts! Nothing conveys love more then when you hand her one for a Golden Shower or Rim Job. It’s the candy that both of you can enjoy all month long. Sure, these candies usually have no flavor either, but do you really need to taste a Bukakke Party or Dirty Sanchez? She will thank you for it, and her love of your thoughtfulness will shine through after you hand her the Tea Bag heart.

1000185

Hey, what about us guys on V-Day you say? Manly men don’t need flowers, jewelry, or candy to be shown your affection and caring. It’s the little things that count. Just keep it simple and offer up the perfect gift for every man. In fact, we will consider it a wise choice and will accept this gift on a daily basis. It’s especially welcoming during the morning wood time of day, or to help us get relaxed after a long day at work, and even to help us drift off to a good night’s sleep. See? Us guys don’t ask for much more than what you would call some “oral affection”. That’s a great gift for every man, and one size fits all!

forget-blow-jobs-flowers-valentines-day-ecard-someecards

Now that I have offered up this lesson on romance and how to score big time points with your ladies go out and emulate my routine on Valentine’s Day. You can’t go wrong and I am sure she will be totally enthralled with the thought you put into it. Just don’t blame me if she takes it the wrong way. Blame yourself if you hand her the wrong Conversation Heart ya filthy animal!

Anti-Valentines-day

79 thoughts on “A Manly Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Romance in NYC.”

  1. Oh my Phil..
    You are cool. I totally enjoyed your manly post here regading silly Valentine´s Day!
    I am sure you may have a softer side and that you have been in love though… Anyway, “feeling the force” works better than roses & candies, that pretty obvious (haha)
    Hugs from Aquileana 😉

    1. Hey Aquileana!

      I have been in love many times throughout my life. In love with ice cream. Bacon. Beer. A good cigar. A stiff whiskey. That time in Vegas I married the circus midget.

      Oh, the memories…..

      1. Hahaha Phil, my dear, you crack me up… 🙂

        You are my rad cool New Yorker Guy and that status would never change ..

        Valentine´s love with beer & french fries for you, ♥
        Aquileana 🙂

  2. I HAD to run over and see what you had to say about VDay cuz I knew you were going to make me laugh…..but OMG I think this is my favorite Phil post ever!!! LMAO!!
    KFC and fuzzy handcuffs….ummm perfect. Except for the KFC part. Tofu nuggets? Falafel? Now we’re talking!

    The sex words candy is priceless!

    I can’t stand the marketing and BS around VDay, but I love a day where I can validate a pedicure or some new shoes, ya know? I get that 3 times a year: my BDay, my BDay, and Mother’s Day, and I milk em for all their worth!!!

    But the forced flowers and chocolate…*hurl* so obnoxious

    1. Hey Beth!

      Mmmm…falafel. Cuff me to the headboard and eat it off my chest. Just don’t hurl on me. Nothing ruins the V-Day mood like projectile vomiting. Know what I’m saying.

      Well, unless you are into that weird stuff.

  3. Great post, Phil! I’m one of those girls who doesn’t give a crap about this Hallmark holiday. Fuzzy cuffs sound absolutely perfect to me and I’d much rather be plowed by Darth Vader than Cupid. I don’t hate the holiday or the sentiment; it’s just not my thing. There’s SO much damn pressure associated with it and it takes all the bloody romance out of what should be the most romantic day of the year. But why should anyone be forced into romance on one day? Love is not about one day… it’s about a person without regard to the calendar.

    Last year, I spent Valentine’s Day at the dentist. Wa-freakin’-hoo! This year, I will actually be going out amongst the love-infected masses with a guy I’m dating. Are we going out because it’s Valentine’s Day? Hell no! We’re only going because my favorite 80’s cover band just happens to be coming back to a local venue that night and we both enjoy getting down to “Footloose” and “Whip It.” Whether the whips continue later on into the evening will remain to be seen…

    1. Hey Jessica!

      You know if you are plowed by Darth Vader you’ll have a weird breathing creepy guy who sounds like James Earl Jones cuffing you to the bed. Just sayin’…..

      Sounds like a good night planned. Just don’t hurt the lad too badly with the leather play later on. You might want to keep him around.

  4. Love the Dark Helmet, the Force is strong with that one. I’ve always loved the dirty candy hearts. Dinner at Mickey D’s is hilarious! Here in Chicago we had a “special dinner” for the occasion at White Castle, same thing, they would offer table-side service and everything! Total class. White Castle is the place that makes the 2-for-a-dollar greasy sliders, in case you’re not familiar. Nothing says “I like you in a half-ass way” like the gift of diarrhea.

  5. Thank you Phil for posting this! I wouldn’t dislike Valentine’s Day if it wasn’t so damn Cliche. My mom looks at me like I’m crazy for not liking the day, but I told her, “you were born in 1948 and when you were coming up, Valentine’s Day actually meant something, it was a special day. However society has changed and there’s a lot of people who do not value love. So when I see people dashing through the streets, skipping and holding hands, it makes me wonder: Why in the fuck don’t I see this all year?? It’s a nice image, and maybe I’m not looking through out the year but really, you don’t see romantic acts like this until Valentine’s Day…idk…lol

    1. Hey Dean!

      Normally, I see breakups and couples fighting in the streets. Especially at start of summer. Guess Cupid’s arrows have an expiration date. They should also have a “Happy Friend Zone” day!

  6. YES those conversation hearts DO taste like chalk! So it’s not just me that thinks that! I don’t need mushy on Vday, I’d just like to be acknowledged. I don’t really like jewelry or any of that stuff so I’m pretty easy. Flowers are nice, a bottle of wine even better… I guess we’ll see what happens this year-I’m just hoping he remembers! 😉

    (PS-I’m a big fan of Spencer Gifts, because I’m mature like that… lol).

    1. Hey Sarah!

      I just picked up your presents at Spencers. One of my fav stores too. Quality products there.

      Blacklight velor poster, fuzzy sex dice, big ass glass bong, a riding crop, a monster sized strap-on, and a blindfold. Your hubs will be in for a surprise! Or scared shitless.

  7. Wonderfully thoughtful gifts on both sides!! I’ll take the fluffy handcuffs and you can feed me Raunchy Candy Hearts!!! And now I have a new blog to stalk—-oops I amen, follow of course!!

    1. Hey Melissa!

      Thanks for dropping by my crazy world and commenting!

      I love stalkers. Well, not so much the time I was trapped in one’s basement for two months. Just getting over that one. Pro tip: Never sniff a rag when it’s handed to you and they ask if it smells like chloroform.

  8. That was freaking hilarious…and I’m right there with you my friend. I just go to the gas station, nothing like boiled peanuts, a quart of motor oil and and a car air freshener to show someone how much they mean to you.

    1. Hey Mandi!

      Your wish is my command. When you go to bed that night leave the window open and the door unlocked. Slip into your sexiest lingerie. Apply some sexy perfume. Put on some romantic sex music. Lay on top of the bed and close your eyes.

      When you feel the weight of another upon you breathing heavy open your eyes. I’m sending James Earl Jones to come over and take care of biz! Just don’t give him a heart attack. He is 83 ya know. Totes McGotes!

    1. Hey Mother!

      Oh come on now. You don’t want a romantic dinner at McDonald’s followed by a few conversation hearts asking for a rim job or money shot? Where is your romance?

  9. This has got to be one of your BEST blog posts ever, Phil. Seriously. I love how you always grab seemingly normal topics and put such a hilarious spin on them – that’s a skill.

    Here in Australia, we use the term ‘taking the piss’ out of someone/something, which basically means making fun of them. And I love that you can ‘take the piss’ out of days like these. I do celebrate Valentine’s Day with my husband from time to time, but I don’t take it seriously – if he wants to buy me flowers, I’ll love them and thank him for it. If he wants to buy me furry handcuffs, so be it. I think life’s too short to take everything so seriously, you have to be willing to laugh at yourself too.

    Thank you for always writing blog posts that make me laugh – your blog is honestly the only blog I read on a regular basis!

    Keep them coming! (pun slightly intended :P)

    1. Hey Thuy!

      I knew you would appreciate this one! Just be careful he doesn’t read it or you might be presented with a slice of pizza and a happy birthday to your dog card. It’s the thought that counts, right?

  10. I would be all about the “Darth Invader.” It could replace my “LifeSaver” that I used to keep in the arm rest of my car for those horny moments when I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic with an itch to scratch. 😉

    What can I say….I love any excuse for sex and romance and as far as I’m concerned, the holiday enhances that, not detracts. But what do I know. I’m also the girl who thought catnip was an awesome gift from a high school boyfriend who used to call me KittKat. I knew what he was getting at….LOL!

    1. Hey Kitt!

      Oh, you naughty gal you! Well, that is one way to handle road rage.

      Catnip? Did he confuse what the pussy is? Well, at lest a KittKat will melt when you lick one. 😉 Unless he liked to lick his cat. Weirdo.

  11. Will you be my Valentine?

    No? You’re already taken? Or have plans to be taken [down] on Valentines day?

    RATS!

    I don’t save cards. [“Ah. How nice. Thank you.” PLUNK!] Flowers wilt, drop petals, and the water turns icky unless I change it daily. Chocolate lasts for as long as it takes to deploy diet discipline and get that stuff out of the house — via a circuitous route over my taste buds, into my tummy, and…

    Well. YOU know.

    I’m not sure Darth is my thing. Although, I agree that it would make a great conversation piece. Fuzzy handcuffs? Hmmmmm.

    Thinking, thinking….

    1. Hey Gloria!

      I plan on being taken down on most days, and not just because that fat bastid Cupid says so!

      I’m sure you don’t have to think too hard about those handcuffs. Just make sure you take them off me after you lock me in your basement. Been there, done that.

  12. This is fantastic! Star Whores- oh my i am cracking up. I love the Mcdonalds idea. They will actually seat you and bring your meal to you. How can you pass that up?
    KFC has new meals in a cup so you cant go wrong there.
    I like Valentines but it can be on a small scale! It drives me nuts to eat dinner of a pre planned menu. Have a great weekend with your gal!! She’s a lucky woman.

    1. Hey Holli!

      KFC has meals in a cup? I might have to re-think my dinner plans! I wonder if I can get extra gravy on it too. Gravy is the spark of romance! It can also be used as a lubricant!

  13. Oh you’re such a romantic! You’ve set the bar so high that the average guy (like me) can’t even dream about wooing the ladies so effectively.

    1. Hey Gary!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting.

      All you have to do is follow my V-Day plans as outlined in my post and you will be all set with the ladies. It’s foolproof! Really, what can go wrong? Just make sure you have bail money or a place to sleep that night.

  14. I call it Single Awareness Day.

    If you have to wait all year to show the one you love that you love them, you’re screwed already…and not in the good way!

    1. Hey UP!

      Spoken like a man with experience! Hey, at least the single people can take themselves out for a nice dinner then go home for some “self love”. No having to do the walk of shame in the morning!

  15. You’ll be happy to know that I’m one of those women that doesn’t want flowers or candy for Valentine’s Day. I’m all for the obligatory holiday romp. That’s a Happy Valentine’s Day! Haha! But seriously, this holiday has always confused me. It’s a holiday for Hallmark to cash in and nothing more. Why spend one little day out of the year telling someone you love them with material items? To me, if you have to buy someone’s love that’s a problem. Shouldn’t you love them….all the time? What a concept!

    1. Hey Jessica!

      Romp away! Just don’t break anything as that puts a damper on festivities when that special night ends up in the ER. Nothing spells love like sitting around those with broken bones, mangled limbs, and squirting blood from weird spots that blood is not supposed to come out of! I can picture that Hallmark card.

  16. You know when I was younger I was all “Aw… Valentine’s Day, let’s make it romantic.” But, now I’m like, “Oh… Valentine’s Day, what the hell are we supposed to do?”

    1. Hey Emily!

      Skip the cards, flowers, candy, and mediocre dining options! Rent a bunch of action flicks, cook a steak or two, grab a bottle of wine and get plastered into a food coma on the couch. Perfecto!

  17. Now I had not thought of KFC. I usually just take the pizza route, but perhaps a little change up is due this year.

    Darth Vader Pez Dispenser / sex toy – wherever do you find such a thing? How clever.

    I hope you have an enjoyable Valentine’s Day, Mr. Phil. With gifts like those, you’re sure to score some points.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

  18. My husband’s getting nothing. But the boy (8) keeps asking me if I’m gonna surprise him with candy and balloons like I did last year. I created a monster. It’s 2pm Thurday, I don’t even know if there are anymore balloons…and it’s freaking cold. I’ll be driving all over the universe tonight to surprise him.
    I’m guessing he’d dig those handcuffs, we’ll just keep the “origin story” out of the equation.

    1. Hey Jen!

      Damn, that’s cold! Throw the guy a little piece of something. He might enjoy the handcuffs. Your husband I mean!

      As for your kid buy him a new Playstation. Can’t go wrong with that.

    1. Hey Karen!

      Like really, aren’t I? I tell my gal that all the time in between her fits of laughter. She is so smitten with my manliness that she can’t help herself. Still, I do hide all the cutlery at bedtime.

  19. I. AM. DYING. DYING! I can’t decide if I’d rather have McD’s or Subway for my Vday supper…but the conversation hearts are mind blowing. I’d love to see the reaction of a dude receiving them as a gift. If you do, please record and share!

    1. Hey Cowboys!

      Well, since we all know now that Subway sandwich rolls are made from shoe rubber and plastic you might die from eating it. Stick with McD’s for a romantic meal. Death kind of puts a damper on any V-Day nookie.

  20. “Oral affection.” You slay me. Me and my dude are gonna eat like kings and queens at my place – no gluten filled KFC for me! But those fuzzy handcuffs….

    1. Hey Jenny!

      Every guy needs some oral affection don’t you agree? They say that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, unless you feed him bean burritos. Then his heart heads right through the toilet bowl. No recovering from that, fuzzy handcuffs or not.

  21. There is so much right and wrong in this! Haha. I like the MD for dinner. It’s silly and lighthearted as I think good times should be. Too much pressure ruins a good night.

    And yes… I think we all know what the guys want as a gift. No brainer. Oh and you always get ORIGINAL! Extra crispy ? Blah. Good one, Phil!

    1. Hey Jean!

      Sometimes it feels so wrong that it has to be right! True, there is way too much pressure to perform on V-Day. Leave that to the evening later on where performance counts!

      Crispy, extra crispy, hot wings – I like them all if they will help seduce my lady!

  22. Lmao, Phil, I think we were both inspired by the same fat little winged bastid when we wrote our Valentine’s Day posts.

    On another note, I must admit, dinner at Mickey D’s seems a whole lot more romantic than a $150 steak dinner in a restaurant where you’re knocking elbows with the people seated at the table next to you. I’ll take the Big Mac and fries any day.

    Hope you and your SO had a great Valentine’s Day.

    1. Hey Suzanne!

      They also do that special meal at White Castle. Now there’s a way to show off your love to your SO! Go all out! Just keep the bathroom clear.

      Hope you had a good V-day!

  23. Well damn. All I got was the usual fancy dinner, chocolates, and roses. So how can my V-day pix ever compare to dinner à deux at Chex Macs, fur-lined cuffs, and the Darth Invader, that special gift that keeps on giving?

    I’m so humiliated. Please don’t tell Susie.

    1. Hey Barb!

      I think you should break up with that douchenozzle! How dare he? Where is the love?

      He better make it up to you with a candle lit dinner at Cracker Barrel!

  24. I’ve been following you on Twitter but hadn’t ventured over here yet! That’s why I love Susie’s parties. BTW, I found your pants in Susie’s pantry, they are still soiled and have a ton of flour on them. 🙂 Loved this post, had to show it to Mr. Brickhouse and ge got a kick out of it as well. Looking forward to reading more. 🙂

    1. Hey Brickhouse!

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting! So glad to know you have been stalking me. I love stalkers.

      Flour? Were we baking that night? Who licked the frosting off me? I hope Susie doesn’t have hidden cameras in her place.

  25. How did I miss this one? I was hardly home on VD. I told Danny not to bother buying flowers. He bought a box of chocolates and a card that he didn’t read. I read it out loud and circled all the bad grammar! What is Hallmark coming to when a guy can’t just grab a card and go!
    After driving 5 hours to the mountains, (It should have taken 2, but stupid idiots mucked up traffic with front wheel drive) we had a wonderful dinner and a much needed giant glass of wine.
    McDonalds???

    1. Hey Susie!

      If Hallmark can’t even get it right then why bother right? Might as well just spend the cash on chocolate and wine, or just wine. A lot of wine.

      So, did your guy treat you to Cracker Barrel, Taco Bell, or White Castle? The trifecta of romatic dining options!

  26. LOVE LOVE LOVE this, in particular the Mickey D’s special. I’ve always schooled my nephews not to mess with girls who like unicorns, ponies, or Valentine’s Day. None of those reflect character… 🙂

  27. LMAO. You be crazy with a capitol C. LOL!

    I have to admit I did rake my husband over the coals for neglecting to get me a card this year…the one thing I always want…but we went out, had a great time and his ‘gift’ did not reflect his poor (lack of) card-buying decision! 😉

    1. Hey Hazy!

      Well, the love doctor knows his romance!

      I bet your guy won’t make that mistake next year! Show him this post to offer some pointers in the “romantic arts”!

Leave a Reply to Patricia Cancel reply