A Manly Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Romance in NYC.

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Ok, here we go with another Valentine’s Day (massacre) again. I have yet to buy a card or set up flowers to be delivered. Yes, I am one of those dudes that wait all until the last possible minute to actually hit a store and get something for my gal. I mean, what’s the big deal with women when it comes to this overhyped commercialized Hallmark holiday? Bleech. I’m already seeing all kinds of posts on Facebook referring to wonderful plans all these couples have set up for the big day of forced romance. Gag me. Then come Feb 14th all the women will be posting pics of flowers and gifts that their guys sent them. Oh c’mon already. Isn’t a bucket of KFC extra crispy and furry handcuffs enough to make a gal swoon? It’s the gift that keeps on giving! Nothing says romance like greasy fried chicken and sex toys. Are you all feeling me out there? Don’t even get me started on the flowers part. It’s the one time of year that a bouquet of roses cost as much as diamonds. He went to Jared? Nope! He went to Subway with the other Jared and used some of that cash on a $5 foot long. He then hit the local bodega and scored a dozen roses for $10 on the way home. Yessir! I go all out for my main squeeze. Nothing but the best. It’s how I roll! 

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I know there are also many people who really want nothing to do with this holiday. They can’t relate to all the syrupy nonsense of being all lovey dovey when it comes to V-Day. You’ll usually see these people at a bar drinking, partying, and acting all cheerful about dodging Cupid’s arrow on this evening while many semi-loathing couples are dealing with an overpriced night out at dinner eating off a crappy pre-fix menu. Me? I’m taking my gal out to one of the most notable culinary delights across the land for the big day. The Golden Arches. The McD’s. Mickie D’s. Ronald’s Joint. Nothing sets the mood like a candle lit dinner at McDonald’s. Heck, I’ll even splurge for super-sizing our meals. I spare no expense. It’s the kind of guy I am. Be jealous ladies, as I’m taken!

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Now, since I am thinking about that fat little winged bastid shooting arrows at us maybe I will head out and pick up a card today. With all the Duane Reade’s and CVS stores throughout Manhattan we have our pick of crappy generic V-Day cards. All you have to do is find the gaggle of clueless guys meandering around the card section like zombies on The Walking Dead to know you are in the right spot. It’s almost like some of them are scared of picking a card and looking into it, as if it has anthrax or something on it. As for me I just do the grab and go. Don’t even look. Just do a drive by, reach over, and take the first card you see and hit the check out counter. So what if the card says “To a Dear Aunt”. A little white-out will fix that and pencil in “To The One I Love”. Perfecto! The Russian Roulette version of picking a card as I call it. Works every time and only takes a few minutes out of your day. I will admit that sympathy card in German did not go over well that one year for V-Day, but it’s the thought that counts, right? Hey, us guys are busy and we have important stuff to do. You know. Things and stuff.

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If  a guy is lucky enough he has a chick with the same warped sense of humor and sex drive as himself. That’s why a trip to the dreaded mall is usually in order where you can find stores that carry some weird sexual enhancement products. I mean, what gal would pass up the chance to have Darth Vader inside her with that big helmet of his? Talk about Feeling The Force! This is what I call a quality sexual stimulant. Plus, it also acts as a Pez dispenser and great conversation piece to leave laying around the house or kitchen table for when guests come over.

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We all know that our ladies love the sweets on V-Day from their sweethearts. Sure, anyone can buy a box of chocolates from the local store in a heart shaped box that tastes like chalk, or a stuffed animal with Cupid wings on it that will lay around and collect dust. Not me. I go for the man candy of choice. Raunchy Conversation Hearts! Nothing conveys love more then when you hand her one for a Golden Shower or Rim Job. It’s the candy that both of you can enjoy all month long. Sure, these candies usually have no flavor either, but do you really need to taste a Bukakke Party or Dirty Sanchez? She will thank you for it, and her love of your thoughtfulness will shine through after you hand her the Tea Bag heart.

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Hey, what about us guys on V-Day you say? Manly men don’t need flowers, jewelry, or candy to be shown your affection and caring. It’s the little things that count. Just keep it simple and offer up the perfect gift for every man. In fact, we will consider it a wise choice and will accept this gift on a daily basis. It’s especially welcoming during the morning wood time of day, or to help us get relaxed after a long day at work, and even to help us drift off to a good night’s sleep. See? Us guys don’t ask for much more than what you would call some “oral affection”. That’s a great gift for every man, and one size fits all!

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Now that I have offered up this lesson on romance and how to score big time points with your ladies go out and emulate my routine on Valentine’s Day. You can’t go wrong and I am sure she will be totally enthralled with the thought you put into it. Just don’t blame me if she takes it the wrong way. Blame yourself if you hand her the wrong Conversation Heart ya filthy animal!

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79 thoughts on “A Manly Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Romance in NYC.”

  1. I HAD to run over and see what you had to say about VDay cuz I knew you were going to make me laugh…..but OMG I think this is my favorite Phil post ever!!! LMAO!!
    KFC and fuzzy handcuffs….ummm perfect. Except for the KFC part. Tofu nuggets? Falafel? Now we’re talking!

    The sex words candy is priceless!

    I can’t stand the marketing and BS around VDay, but I love a day where I can validate a pedicure or some new shoes, ya know? I get that 3 times a year: my BDay, my BDay, and Mother’s Day, and I milk em for all their worth!!!

    But the forced flowers and chocolate…*hurl* so obnoxious
    Beth Teliho recently posted…That Time A Comedian Stripped For Me. Sort of.My Profile

  2. Great post, Phil! I’m one of those girls who doesn’t give a crap about this Hallmark holiday. Fuzzy cuffs sound absolutely perfect to me and I’d much rather be plowed by Darth Vader than Cupid. I don’t hate the holiday or the sentiment; it’s just not my thing. There’s SO much damn pressure associated with it and it takes all the bloody romance out of what should be the most romantic day of the year. But why should anyone be forced into romance on one day? Love is not about one day… it’s about a person without regard to the calendar.

    Last year, I spent Valentine’s Day at the dentist. Wa-freakin’-hoo! This year, I will actually be going out amongst the love-infected masses with a guy I’m dating. Are we going out because it’s Valentine’s Day? Hell no! We’re only going because my favorite 80’s cover band just happens to be coming back to a local venue that night and we both enjoy getting down to “Footloose” and “Whip It.” Whether the whips continue later on into the evening will remain to be seen…
    Jessica recently posted…Just Keep RunningMy Profile

  3. Love the Dark Helmet, the Force is strong with that one. I’ve always loved the dirty candy hearts. Dinner at Mickey D’s is hilarious! Here in Chicago we had a “special dinner” for the occasion at White Castle, same thing, they would offer table-side service and everything! Total class. White Castle is the place that makes the 2-for-a-dollar greasy sliders, in case you’re not familiar. Nothing says “I like you in a half-ass way” like the gift of diarrhea.
    Joy Christi recently posted…MWW Don’t Fight The VDMy Profile

  4. Thank you Phil for posting this! I wouldn’t dislike Valentine’s Day if it wasn’t so damn Cliche. My mom looks at me like I’m crazy for not liking the day, but I told her, “you were born in 1948 and when you were coming up, Valentine’s Day actually meant something, it was a special day. However society has changed and there’s a lot of people who do not value love. So when I see people dashing through the streets, skipping and holding hands, it makes me wonder: Why in the fuck don’t I see this all year?? It’s a nice image, and maybe I’m not looking through out the year but really, you don’t see romantic acts like this until Valentine’s Day…idk…lol

  5. YES those conversation hearts DO taste like chalk! So it’s not just me that thinks that! I don’t need mushy on Vday, I’d just like to be acknowledged. I don’t really like jewelry or any of that stuff so I’m pretty easy. Flowers are nice, a bottle of wine even better… I guess we’ll see what happens this year-I’m just hoping he remembers! 😉

    (PS-I’m a big fan of Spencer Gifts, because I’m mature like that… lol).
    Sarah Almond recently posted…Twisted Mixtape Tuesday: Dairy Free Love SongsMy Profile

    1. Hey Mandi!

      Your wish is my command. When you go to bed that night leave the window open and the door unlocked. Slip into your sexiest lingerie. Apply some sexy perfume. Put on some romantic sex music. Lay on top of the bed and close your eyes.

      When you feel the weight of another upon you breathing heavy open your eyes. I’m sending James Earl Jones to come over and take care of biz! Just don’t give him a heart attack. He is 83 ya know. Totes McGotes!
      filbio310 recently posted…A Manly Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Romance in NYC.My Profile

  6. This has got to be one of your BEST blog posts ever, Phil. Seriously. I love how you always grab seemingly normal topics and put such a hilarious spin on them – that’s a skill.

    Here in Australia, we use the term ‘taking the piss’ out of someone/something, which basically means making fun of them. And I love that you can ‘take the piss’ out of days like these. I do celebrate Valentine’s Day with my husband from time to time, but I don’t take it seriously – if he wants to buy me flowers, I’ll love them and thank him for it. If he wants to buy me furry handcuffs, so be it. I think life’s too short to take everything so seriously, you have to be willing to laugh at yourself too.

    Thank you for always writing blog posts that make me laugh – your blog is honestly the only blog I read on a regular basis!

    Keep them coming! (pun slightly intended :P)
    Thuy Yau recently posted…Living in the MomentMy Profile

  7. I would be all about the “Darth Invader.” It could replace my “LifeSaver” that I used to keep in the arm rest of my car for those horny moments when I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic with an itch to scratch. 😉

    What can I say….I love any excuse for sex and romance and as far as I’m concerned, the holiday enhances that, not detracts. But what do I know. I’m also the girl who thought catnip was an awesome gift from a high school boyfriend who used to call me KittKat. I knew what he was getting at….LOL!
    Kitt Crescendo recently posted…Pre-Valentine’s Day PreparednessMy Profile

  8. Will you be my Valentine?

    No? You’re already taken? Or have plans to be taken [down] on Valentines day?

    RATS!

    I don’t save cards. [“Ah. How nice. Thank you.” PLUNK!] Flowers wilt, drop petals, and the water turns icky unless I change it daily. Chocolate lasts for as long as it takes to deploy diet discipline and get that stuff out of the house — via a circuitous route over my taste buds, into my tummy, and…

    Well. YOU know.

    I’m not sure Darth is my thing. Although, I agree that it would make a great conversation piece. Fuzzy handcuffs? Hmmmmm.

    Thinking, thinking….

  9. This is fantastic! Star Whores- oh my i am cracking up. I love the Mcdonalds idea. They will actually seat you and bring your meal to you. How can you pass that up?
    KFC has new meals in a cup so you cant go wrong there.
    I like Valentines but it can be on a small scale! It drives me nuts to eat dinner of a pre planned menu. Have a great weekend with your gal!! She’s a lucky woman.
    Holli recently posted…Love is in the airMy Profile

  10. You’ll be happy to know that I’m one of those women that doesn’t want flowers or candy for Valentine’s Day. I’m all for the obligatory holiday romp. That’s a Happy Valentine’s Day! Haha! But seriously, this holiday has always confused me. It’s a holiday for Hallmark to cash in and nothing more. Why spend one little day out of the year telling someone you love them with material items? To me, if you have to buy someone’s love that’s a problem. Shouldn’t you love them….all the time? What a concept!
    Jessica recently posted…Carib Delights Snack Cooler GiveawayMy Profile

  11. Now I had not thought of KFC. I usually just take the pizza route, but perhaps a little change up is due this year.

    Darth Vader Pez Dispenser / sex toy – wherever do you find such a thing? How clever.

    I hope you have an enjoyable Valentine’s Day, Mr. Phil. With gifts like those, you’re sure to score some points.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt
    Patricia recently posted…Corn Dogs For Everyone!My Profile

  12. My husband’s getting nothing. But the boy (8) keeps asking me if I’m gonna surprise him with candy and balloons like I did last year. I created a monster. It’s 2pm Thurday, I don’t even know if there are anymore balloons…and it’s freaking cold. I’ll be driving all over the universe tonight to surprise him.
    I’m guessing he’d dig those handcuffs, we’ll just keep the “origin story” out of the equation.
    JenKehl – My Skewed View recently posted…I Am An American and Today I Celebrate Abraham LincolnMy Profile

  13. There is so much right and wrong in this! Haha. I like the MD for dinner. It’s silly and lighthearted as I think good times should be. Too much pressure ruins a good night.

    And yes… I think we all know what the guys want as a gift. No brainer. Oh and you always get ORIGINAL! Extra crispy ? Blah. Good one, Phil!
    Jean recently posted…Ebay: Where To Buy Love, Sex and SoulsMy Profile

  14. Lmao, Phil, I think we were both inspired by the same fat little winged bastid when we wrote our Valentine’s Day posts.

    On another note, I must admit, dinner at Mickey D’s seems a whole lot more romantic than a $150 steak dinner in a restaurant where you’re knocking elbows with the people seated at the table next to you. I’ll take the Big Mac and fries any day.

    Hope you and your SO had a great Valentine’s Day.
    Suzanne Lucas recently posted…Feline Friday – Here, Doggy DoggyMy Profile

  15. I’ve been following you on Twitter but hadn’t ventured over here yet! That’s why I love Susie’s parties. BTW, I found your pants in Susie’s pantry, they are still soiled and have a ton of flour on them. 🙂 Loved this post, had to show it to Mr. Brickhouse and ge got a kick out of it as well. Looking forward to reading more. 🙂

  16. How did I miss this one? I was hardly home on VD. I told Danny not to bother buying flowers. He bought a box of chocolates and a card that he didn’t read. I read it out loud and circled all the bad grammar! What is Hallmark coming to when a guy can’t just grab a card and go!
    After driving 5 hours to the mountains, (It should have taken 2, but stupid idiots mucked up traffic with front wheel drive) we had a wonderful dinner and a much needed giant glass of wine.
    McDonalds???
    Susie Lindau ( recently posted…The Ultimate Blog Party – Use Me and Abuse Me Days!My Profile

  17. LMAO. You be crazy with a capitol C. LOL!

    I have to admit I did rake my husband over the coals for neglecting to get me a card this year…the one thing I always want…but we went out, had a great time and his ‘gift’ did not reflect his poor (lack of) card-buying decision! 😉
    Hazy Shades of Me recently posted…Well DoneMy Profile

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